Spittin Game at UVM

I just came across this English essay I wrote freshmen year about hitting on girls at UVM that was published in "The Water Tower" at UVM. I admit it has no relevance but I can't rob you guys of this one. It's a great read if you have a second to kill (I know you do, its winter break)

Sup Girl?

Sketchy, Funny and Douchey may sound like the long lost three of the Seven Dwarves, but in reality make up the three schools of what the average UVM male likes to call “game”. Every year, Mid-April rolls around, and with it, comes beautiful weather. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and the elements of attraction are in motion. Female students sunbathe innocently on the campus greens as young men half-heartedly take part in games of ultimate frisby and football catches. The campus erupts with such palpable energy that even the most asexual beings cannot help but stir. At night, girls get “dolled up” in their best makeup and spring outfits before subjecting themselves to the calculated motives of their male counterparts. Men iron out their favorite old collared shirt and clean off their favorite pair of Nikes, or Birkenstocks if a resident of U-Heights South. From walking to classes, to partying downtown, the exuberant sexual tension is undeniable. When holding a door or filling a cup, every eye contact trances on for an extra instance. All the players are on the field, equipment in hand (not literally), but the real matter remains how to play. Like dogs finally catching up to that neighborhood car, the young men just aren’t sure what to do with it. Someone should say something, but what?

Unable to bridge the gap of conversation and social fluidity with their own sparkling personas, the young men of UVM retreat to the lowest form of human relation know as “game”. “Game” is the process by which a young male projects an artificial personality that is seen as being universally relatable onto the opposite sex with the intention of attraction. Although the intentions of both parties are clear, a medium is required through which the interaction can take place without making either uncomfortable. Not many guys want to immediately sit somewhere quiet and have an intimate conversation, nor would most girls respond positively to an introduction such as “Sup girl, wanna bang?” “Game” allows for each to become slowly more comfortable with the other. Suddenly, where you live on campus becomes overwhelming interesting, along with other golden nuggets of conversation such as “I see you are drinking this, I am drinking that” and “Wow, you are undecided in the School of Arts and Sciences too?, what a coincidence!” Luckily, there are personalities students can don to rescue them from having to bare their true selves to a stranger and they come in three flavors; Sketchy, Funny and Douchey. These three types of game stimulate some of the most basic aspects of human nature to achieve the common male’s goal of “slaying mad biddies”.

Sketchy, one of the more challenging and risqué of the games, relies on the neglect of social norms, especially those pertaining to character and moral quality, for the satisfaction of more basic human desires and curiosities. The sketchy gamer doesn’t know you or your friends, but sees no reason for that to obstruct the flow of good times to be had. It was the sketchy gamer who coined such cliché phrases as “So, do you come here often?” or “So are you two sisters?” The implementation of the word “so” seems to define this gamer’s persona. Its use can almost be interpreted as saying “So what if we don’t know each other, want to talk to a stranger?” The sketchy gamer is more than willing to cut through social “red tape” and head straight for the finish. He can be found in the hallways of residence halls intercepting girls on their way to the bathroom or back to their own dorms. Casual unthreatening conversation leads to questions like “So do you guys want to come “chill” at room 265?” The very essence of the word sketchy embodies him completely. For anything to be sketchy it must be out of the realm of what is considered regular or standard. Sketchiness provides no sure thing and makes no promises. The possibilities of what could go wrong are quite apparent and other dangers may still lurk in the shadows. Shrouded in mystery, the sketchy gamer is at the same time intriguing. While people tend to fear what they don’t know, they can also be drawn to it. It is here where the sketchy gamer distinguishes himself from his failure of a counterpart, the creep. The successful sketchy gamer knows exactly how to tug on the strings of curiosity in their targets and draw them in. The creep simply asserts his socially unacceptable intentions without managing to draw any intrigue. To call a true sketchy gamer a creep would be on par with calling a professional poker player lucky. He doesn’t just throw his chips out and hope for the best, so much as he reads people, calculates odds, and moves purposefully with specific intent. What type of “prey” might find themselves entranced by a sketchy gamer? The answer is, of course, sketchy girls. Sketchy girls can be found anywhere from dorm hallways, to wandering the streets of downtown Burlington looking for a place to “rage”. They are notorious for their skimpy dress and inside jokes that suggest other sketchy activities such as doing hard drugs or having other sketchy encounters with other sketchy guys. Sketchy girls feel comfortable with their sketchy actions primarily because they tend to surround themselves with other sketchy friends. Next to their sketchy friends, their actions seem far more socially acceptable and eventually, by comparison, become the norm.

As a school, funny is the most “innocent” and straight-forward of the three. The funny gamer is goofy, loveable and endearingly self defeating. He doesn’t come right out and toot his own horn, but breaks the ice with an unconvincing joke at his own expense. He doesn’t approach those he has no business talking to, but instead seeks the friends of his female acquaintances. The funny gamer targets the corner of human nature seeking emotional fulfillment. His loveable, unselfish appeal allows his potential “hook ups” to feel as if they have truly met someone they can appreciate as a person. The funny gamer makes his “in” by sharing a joke or teaching a menial party secret. A friendly joke puts out the vibe that everyone is just there to have fun. Teaching a trivial secret creates a mini bond with their target and allows them something to have in common. These “secrets” are easy to point out because they all begin with “You see the secret is when you…” After this phrase any party game or skill can be inserted such flip cup, Beirut, keg stands, etc. Not to mention that a skill shared about a certain drinking activity leads to repeatedly consuming more alcohol, mans most efficient social lubricant. With his lovable jest, the funny gamer creates a seemingly safe environment where girls can let their guards down. Once the girls have comfortably left themselves open and vulnerable, the funny gamer begins to plant inside jokes and hypothetical commitments like “Hey we should all go rip bowls later” or “What do you mean you’ve never had a Rise and Shiner from KKD’s?, we’ll have to go.” His most common inside jokes will often mock sketchy guys and girls, putting both himself and his target on a higher social plateau, together, giving them another reason for to feel like they’ve met “someone”. The type of girl drawn to the funny gamer is typically more “wholesome”, or at least that is how they would like to be perceived by both themselves and others. The “wholesome” girl’s infatuation with funny, “lovable” guys is oftentimes used to solidify their moral superiority over the “sketchy” girls. It is this sense of condescending insecurity that makes them so susceptible to the funny gamer.

The third, and most arrogant, school of game is douchey. The douchey gamer, known plainly as “The Douche”, can be seen at parties hanging around female friends of his friends. Overwhelmingly self confident, The Douche sees no reason for any lady in the room not to be flustered by his splendor. Unlike sketchy and funny gamers, The Douche has no elaborate game plan or strategy. His game can be seen both at parties and on the Discovery Channel. The Douche can best be understood by the mating approach of a male peacock, stomping amongst the females, displaying his elaborate, colorful feathers. Spewing facts, stereotypes and numbers at his prey, The Douche lets young women know what exactly it is that makes him so awesome. Maybe it’s the horsepower of his car, or wattage of his “system”, but the unsuspecting Douchet cannot help but be enthralled with what kind of car he drives and why. Naturally, The Douche targets more materialistic female students who are relived to be able to stick a price tag on their own lives according to their material possessions, a far easier task than spawning personalities or original thoughts of their own

Although the vast majority of male students at the University of Vermont fit in to one of these three categories, we can’t forget the poor souls tethered to the benches by the weakest game of all, no game. The non-gamer can be seen at parties hanging out with his friends. He sees the females guests but just can’t conjure a way to bridge the gap. He instead immerses himself in a world of disillusionment and excuses such as, “Hey, man I just have high standards.” Or “Hey man, I just want to get really fucked up.” Any owner of a disillusionment thesaurus can easily translate this into “Hey man, I just can’t do it.” Just because these three, or possibly four, types of game are utilized on a weekly basis, however, does not mean the good students of UVM are doomed to an artificial existence of unsatisfying relationships. The very existence of “Game” simply serves the purpose of providing a social platform by which people can break the uncomfortable restraints of their unfamiliarity with those around them.