Support YOUR Shirtless Dancing Guy

Here's a hilarious and surprisingly insightful video about leadership.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

The Golden Corral

It was six o'clock on a Sunday evening, three hours down and four remaining in our long drive home from the Mardi Gras Parade in Burlington, VT to Geneseo, NY. Broke, tired and hungry, we were not quite ready to succumb to the dismal quality of Mickey D's and pressed onward by mandate of a higher calling. Applebee's, TGI Friday's, Friendly's, all reasonably priced establishments of respectably higher quality. In the midst of discussing which one we should stop at we came across a Golden Corral. While The Golden Corral may sound like somewhere Abraham might have sacrificed his best ram in the Old Testament, it is actually an all you can eat BBQ and grill franchise. We had never seen one before but I personally had always found their commercials to be generic, failed imitations of the adds of their competitors. However, they must have done something right because the second we stumbled across it excitement washed over us like a Mardi Gras crowd catching a glimpse of the first float. We knew where we were eating that evening.

Hastily parking the car, we shuffled in amongst the flood of anxious Sunday night diners. We stood at the end of a long line leading up to the cash register where you were granted entry to the buffet. We'd never seen anything like this. The electricity in the air spoke more of a highly anticipated playoff game than the waiting lounge of a T.G.I. Friday's. Shocked by the droves of outwardly excited dinners, we chatted apprehensively about what it must be like inside. A rather corpulent woman behind Harrison, Gavin and I overheard that it was our fist time and chimed in about how excited she was for us as if we were children experiencing our first Christmas. During the wait we got in our fair share of people watching and quickly realized the extent to which we stood out, what with our lack of obesity and tattoos. After much anticipation we finally made it to the front of the line. Cost of admission is ten dollars, the exact amount of cash I had left, this place is a godsend. All rung up and ready for the dinning experience of a lifetime, we were handed our trays and unleashed upon the Golden Corral.

We were met by a spread of steak cooked any way you could want it and chicken prepared in every manner imaginable, not to mention a myriad of fish and shrimp. Plates heaving, we settled into our designated table and got down to business. The steak was a little tough, thats alright there's still chicken. Eh, the chicken's greasier than expected. How many years has this seafood been frozen and where does the breading end and fish begin? Well it is all you can eat for ten dollars and thats still a great deal, we settled, and continued plowing through the spread. We made numerous rounds to and from the buffet acquiring an army of plates yielding dishes with only one or two bites taken out of each. After what only felt like five or ten minutes we began to slow down, and I don't just mean rate of consumption. A grogginess we had never experienced before was suddenly cast upon us. Feeling more under the influence of cough syrup than tryptophan, our conversations began to space out more and more with each bite. We sat there surveying our surroundings in silence. Our once delectable, yet frugal oasis was quickly fading into a temple of gluttony before our eyes. "Where the hell are we?" I asked. After a few moments of numb silence my friend Harrison simply replied "We're in a college dinning hall." Looking around us we all burst out in uncontrollable fits of laughter realizing we had just paid ten dollars for five dollar meals in order to subsidize the 25 dollar meal of the 300 lb. woman behind us in line. Woozy and downtrodden, we returned to the car to spend the next four hours thinking about how many years of our lives we had just taken off. As we got settled and buckled our seat belts we looked at the clock. We had just lost a full hour in the wormhole of American gluttony that is The Golden Corral.

Boys, Girls and Perverts

While reading my friend Maggie's Blog I came across this video on a new channel of social media I hadn't heard of called chat roulette. The general idea is that you are randomly connected to a stranger with a web cam who you can talk with. If one of you doesn't want to talk to the other you can click next and are then immediately connected to a new stranger. The video does a great (and funny) job of explaining this additional reason for parents to be neurotic about their children's internet access.

chat roulette from Casey Neistat on Vimeo.

Here is yet another gem from Maggie's blog that I love. Sure she's just a pretty 19 year old girl blogging about nothing specific, but according to chat roulette that mean's she is 90% more interesting than I am.

Ugh

Get Verizon wireless so you can become ignorant of art, nature and loved ones.

Go On, Be a Man

I love these Old Spice commercials because they mock the traditional male stereotypes portrayed by most companies.

Let's Rock

The Long Tail, Making Your Life Awesome Since 2004

Pretty Lights: Finally Moving  by  md9

Actually the long tail has been progressively making all our lives a little more awesome each year in varying degrees for the past ten or so years, but that wouldn't have made for nearly as bitchin' a title. (alright, maybe not bitchin' but at least moderately more catchy) I went with the year 2004 because that's when it was first defined by editor and chief of Wired magazine Chris Anderson in his appropriately titled book "The Long Tail". The long tail lets businesses please more people and make more money while allowing us, the consumers, to celebrate our individuality at little to no additional cost. It accounts for innumerable positive aspects of our day to day lives and yet we seldom even stop to thank it. At this point I know what you are thinking "Mark, enough with the foreplay, just tell us what it is already!" Fine, but there is no need to hypothetically yell at me on my own blog.

The long tail refers to the theory that our culture and economy is shifting away from a system of high sales of a few items to low sales of LOTS of items. High sales of a few items means customers have a limited amount of choices. Low sales of lots of items means companies can target/satisfy a plethora of niche (small, specific) markets. Serving a specific market is traditionally very expensive. It requires storing and distributing its own set of goods. Over the past few years the internet has made distributing products exponentially cheaper, therefore allowing companies to reach more niche markets.




A classic example of the long tail model is Netflix. Netflix, simply known to Blockbuster as "the grim reaper", has taken the movie rental market by storm. Because Netflix doesn't have to fill thousands of storefronts with every title it carries it can offer a much wider range of titles at no cost to them from one place. Now instead of running the risk that nobody will want to rent "All Dogs Go to Heaven 2", and buying a couple thousand copies of it, Netflix can purchase one copy and make it available to every customer via the internet. Since the marginal cost of renting another movie is practically nothing, Netflix can allow its users to watch as many movies as they want and only have to charge a small monthly fee to pay the nerds who run the website. In 2007 Netflix announced that it has 85,000 available titles. I don't know how many you can find at your local Blockbuster (if you can still find a local Blockbuster) but I'm sure its a very small fraction of that.

The internet has been continuously making distribution so cheap that anyone can get their product out there if there is a corresponding niche market that might like it. My two favorite examples of this are the artist Pretty Lights and comedian Bo Burnham. Both produce excellent products that lack mass appeal but have found their niche markets by using the internet's cheap distribution. Pretty Lights has achieved fame by charging everyone's favorite price for his music, free. At PrettyLightsMusic.com you can download the entire Pretty Lights discography for absolutely nothing. Since his product only appeals to a small niche market he is making sure he reaches as many people within that market as possible. Even though he might make a few bucks of some people willing pay for his music, he makes more money through all the additional live shows his increased market presence demands. Enough said? Fine, here's more Pretty Lights

Pretty Lights: Let Em Know It's Time To Go  by  md9

Comedian Bo Burnham has also benefited from the cheap (aka free) distribution of the internet. He started out posting YouTube videos of his songs in high school that went viral and got him tons of exposure. Unlike most YouTube stars, Bo has actually made a career of it, staring in his own Comedy Central Presents special and having an album in stores. Here's him singing about the site that made him who he is.




One of those Youtube songs that created the buzz.

Game Theory With Balls

The prisoner's dilemma is a classic game theory conundrum. The best net benefit for both players is to cooperate with one another. However, if one player cooperates and the other betrays them, the one doing the betraying receives a higher payout while the one being betrayed is worse off. If both players betray each other the end result is dismal for both.




Here's a great example of the prisoner's dilemma on the hit British game show Golden Balls

Normal Food

After three years of continuously consuming highly processed campus dinning hall meals I have found myself thinking more and more "I wish I could just have some normal food". Upon further thinking the matter through however, I've discovered I have no idea what "normal food" is. It certainly isn't the dinning hall chicken breast that looks like it was squeezed out of a tube labeled "Chicken". Does that mean normal food is the food the majority of Americans eat on a daily basis? Chickens that can't even walk because hormones and genetics make them grow too fast for their bones to support? Factory raised beef so rampant with e-coli that it's washed in ammonia before it's shipped to you to eat? That doesn't sound "normal" to me. I'm starting to think organic is the answer. I've always felt it got a bad rap as being some type of delusional hipster diet. Cows raised on farms that eat grass? What a bunch of nut jobs.


With this on my mind I decided to watch the 2008 documentary "Food Inc." and have to say I was pretty surprised by it. I wasn't shocked by how mistreated the animals were, or by all the unnatural stuff that gets pumped into them. Those are all things I, like most Americans, was already aware of but tried not to think about. The thing that really shook me was how such a hideous industry is so seamlessly veiled from the public. When you walk through the grocery store most of the packages and names imply that the products came from a small farm. Lets be honest, nobody would buy kielbasa from Hillshire Mass Production Slaughter Factory.



Over the past thirty years a select few companies have grown and put he rest out of business. In the 1970's the top 5 meat packing companies accounted for about 20% of the market share. Today the top 4 make up over 80%. These massive companies furiously work to find ways to lower their prices because thats what we, the consumers demand. Each step these companies take to increase their efficiency results in making the food they produce less safe. For instance, feeding cows corn instead of grass is cheaper and makes them grow much faster in addition to causing their e-coli to skyrocket. If they were to feed them grass for even five days before they were slaughtered it would get rid of almost all the e-coli but still they don't. Why is it that we as consumers don't demand safer, more expensive food? I believe it's because of this small farm veil companies create through marketing. Nobody would walk into a car dealership and say "An extra $20 for airbags? No thanks". This is because safety is at the forefront of your mind when you buy a new car, but why not your food?

Another reason people don't stop to think about the safety or quality of their food is the false sense of security the FDA gives them. After Upton Sinclair's "The Jungle" and the creation of the FDA "dangerous" food feels like a thing of the past. Everyone thinks its just big oil companies pulling strings within the government but large food production companies are just as involved. Just as Condoleezza Rice served on the Chevron's board of directors and Dick Chenney was CEO of Halliburton, there are similar love stories to be told within the FDA and food industries. Here's a few:

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas--> Former Attorney of Montesano
This is especially significant because he was the Judge who decided that a company can "own" the genetic code of a seed which essentially allowed Montesano to own the entire soy bean industry and exploit any farmer who wants to grow them.

Donald Rumsfeld--> CEO of SEARLE Pharmaceuticals (owned by Montesano)

John Ashcroft--> Recieved record donations from Montesano

North Carolina State Senator Wendell Murphy--> CEO of Smithfield (one of those 4 largest meat packing corporations)

FDA Branch Chief Margaret Miller--> Former Montesano Chemical Lab Supervisor

FDA Deputy Commissioner on Policy Michael Taylor--> Represented Montesano in lawsuit about whether they should have to label genetically modified food (they won)



My favorite part of the documentary was how they essentially summed up my previous post "Get Out and Vote (with your money)" For those of who you might be interested in watching "Food Inc." Here it is below.
I realize the videos I post on here usually get cutoff (if anyone knows how to fix this please tell me) so here's where you can watch it in full... Food Inc.

Canadian Pride (I know right?)

This commercial fills me with Canadian pride...and I'm from Long Island

I Love Subtle Product Placement

I don't know why the person who edited this wrote ads. These clips are taken right out of the show.

Hi, I'm G00475836, pleasure to meet you.

A huge selling point in education these days is class size. You've all heard the rhetoric. Smaller classes let students build relationships with their professors. Everyone gets more individual attention and stimulation. How can we ever expect our kids to learn biology if their professor doesn't know their middle name and favorite Brittney song?(like anyone could chose just one) Truth be told, I love stepping into a big lecture hall and melting into a sea of nameless faces. It's not that I don't want someone hand sowing seeds of inspiration and wonder in my intellectual garden so much as I enjoy the one way discrimination barrier lecture halls put between me and my professors. A close relationship with a professor can be great thing, but depending on the nature of the relationship it can also be equally destructive. As a student with ADHD I have experienced first hand the negative effects it can have on the relationship between student and professor. In the educational community there are certain standards for how "good" students behave. "Good" students sit up straight, look nice, pay attention, and ask lots of questions. Anyone who fails to follow this protocol couldn't possibly have a genuine interest in learning, right? From years of teaching sailing I know how personally insulting it can feel to be teaching an important lesson only to look up to see a kid not paying attention in class. "Doesn't he or she know I'm trying to help them?" "Do they not care how much work I put into this lesson?"

When I talk about discrimination I am not only referring to students with ADHD and other disabilities but any well intentioned student who doesn't look like the kid in a cereal commercial who just ate full and balanced breakfast. Lecture halls allow the incurable late comer to just grab a seat in the back, the hopelessly unorganized to fumble through backpacks un-frowned upon, and the perpetually unprepared to borrow a pen without the assumption that what they write with it will be of lesser quality.I have developed good relationships with professors in both large and small class sizes. Nobody stops you from sitting in the front of a lecture hall and asking lots of questions. It's not hard to stand out and foster a beneficial relationship with a professor if you are in the ten out of two hundred with a genuine interest in the subject matter. Lecture halls still allow for the sowing of those inspiration seeds college pamphlets try to portray, but more importantly they create a safe haven from the discriminating gardener.

Game Theory For Your Lame Ass Friends

Game theory can be a fun and interesting topic. Here's a game you can play with a group of friends to see how well you can predict them, they can predict you, you can predict them predicting you, they can predict you predicting them predicting you...and so on. It's called half the average.

Each player takes a slip of paper and writes down a number between one and one hundred. All the numbers then get totaled up and averaged. The objective of the game is to guess the number closest to half the average of the group. At first this may seem simple but the more you and your friends try to predict and understand each other, the more complex the game becomes. As each player tries to undercut the other the average continuously shrinks. The key is to predict how many steps each player has thought through and be sure to remain one step ahead of the group.

My favorite memory of this game is playing back on Trinity campus at UVM (T-town represent!). We had played a few rounds and the competition was heating up as everyone began to anticipate each other more accurately. A mutual friend from down the hall came into my room who I believe was somewhat "impaired". I explained the rules, he watched one game, smiled and said "I know I'm guna win". I didn't think anything of it, we all entered our numbers and I started adding them up. The guesses were pretty typical. I was feeling confident since I'd won the last two or three rounds. As I added them up I exclaimed "Who the hell wrote 70?". 70 is obviously a ridiculous guess because the highest possible half average is 50 and that could only happen if everyone wrote 100. My friend simply explained "I figured if I guessed high it would pull the half average up and I would win". This completely illogical guess caused me to lose the game but I had to laugh considering it was my inability to predict his lack of reasoning that caused me to lose.

At this point I know what you are thinking "Did Mark just tell a whole story about math games?"...Big Time

Or as Anna Speidel put it "Math games...ew"

Joose, The Rise Of A Not So Discrete Marketing Campaign

I know not everyone is a marketing expert like myself (one introductory class) but see if you can guess the target market of the new drink sensation known as Joose. The website is essentially a party and features SIX original rap songs ABOUT JOOSE that sound like they could easily be produced by Lil Jon, my favorite one being "Joose in My System". Some lines...

"9.9%, so magnificent...",

"yes I'm braggin, off that purple dragon (a flavor), drink that Joose got you rollin off your wagon"

"drink Joose, no need to drive, drink Joose, makes your party come alive"

"I'm like the black Bilbo Baggins, twisted off that purple dragon"
^(I have absolutely no idea what it means to be a black Bilbo Baggins)

Over the last few years alcoholic energy drinks have become a huge hit amongst younger crowds, mainly college students. They have also been attracting the attention of the FDA and other similar parties. There have been a lot of rumors going around that Joose has recently been banned by the FDA. After some research I found it is actually Sparks, Joose's smaller, less alcoholic cousin that has come across some hard times.
As of January 10, 2010 the promotion and production of Sparks officially ceased as a result of a lawsuit between MillerCoors and the Attorneys General of Arizona, California, Connecticut, Idaho, Illinois, Iowa, Maine, Maryland, Mississippi, New Mexico, New York, Ohio, and Oklahoma and the City Attorney of San Francisco. The reason the lawsuit was brought against Sparks instead of the more alcoholic Tilt or Joose is because Sparks holds 90% of the market share for said product, although this isn't a good omen for either of them.

Fans of Joose, get it while you can before you have to go back to good old fashioned Redbull and Vodka's, because thats obviously the healthy alternative these Attorney Generals are pushing you towards.

My heart is racing
My vision is blurry
No clue where I'm going but I'm in a damn hurry
If the bitches be droll and your bros be saggin
Electrify your party with that sticky purple dragon.

Joose, call me about a song deal.

Stand Up Economedy

"You might be an economist if the only reason you won't sell your children is because you think they might be worth more in the future."

Getting It In The Can

I've never gotten it in the can before but since I'm 21 now I might as well try it at least once...right?

Need I Say More?

Notice how Africa isn't even on the map, and yes, all it says for Australia is kangaroos.

Bribery Breakdown

While on the topic of political corruption, here's an article I just came across in The Economist about corruption in Afghanistan. If you plan on heading there for spring break plan your bribery budget accordingly...



The article said at least 60% of Afghans have recently resorted to bribery. I expected to see judges and police officers up there but cannot help but be somewhat disturbed by the fact that doctors and nurses are more frequently bribed than customs officers, members of parliament and the army.

The World's Most and Least Corrupt Countries

I just came from hearing a very interesting guest speaker from Colgate who came to Geneseo to talk about globalization and corruption. Before I discuss what he had to say I will give you your fix on what countries are most and least corrupt according to Transparency International
, the leading experts on the matter. I will warn you that their results are not the end all be all, as corruption is a difficult thing to define and measure.

Top Ten Most Corrupt Countries

1.Somalia
2.Afghanistan
3.Myanmar
4.Sudan
5.Iraq
6.Chad
7.Uzbekistan
8.Turkmenistan
9.Iran
10.Haiti (watch out for your relief donations)

Top Ten Least Corrupt Countries

1.New Zealand
2.Denmark
3.Singapore
3.Sweden
5.Switzerland
6.Finland
6.Netherlands
8.Australia
8.Canada
8.Iceland

The repeat numbers represent ties.

In case you were wondering the U.S. was ranked 19th least corrupt. I'm sure some of you were expecting it to be on the top ten and others on the bottom ten.
For the complete list click here

As I mentioned before these results are only relative because of how difficult measuring corruption is. Often times corruption can be mistakenly swept into one category or measured in one scale that produces skewed results. If you think about how variable cultures are around the world the specific ways in which each interprets and takes part in corruption can be very different. For instance economist Ray Fismin did a study on which UN diplomats do or do not pay their parking tickets. The results showed that diplomats coming from statistically more corrupt countries were much less likely to pay up. An interesting point our guest speaker brought up was that America has less corruption because of its lack of economic restrictions. This lack of restrictions creates less barriers for acquiring wealth and therefore makes corruption a less necessary part of pursuing it.

A country having a reputation of being more corrupt also tends to be a self fulfilling prophecy. Our guest speaker told us that in the past government officials going abroad were actually given bribery budgets for doing business. The most consistent indicator of corruption according to the TI index is poverty. As outside businesses view certain countries as being more corrupt they are far less likely to do business with them, therefore hurting that country's economy and contributing to their level of poverty (and in turn corruption). He also mentioned that a friend of his who held one of the highest ranking government finance positions in Sierra Leone only made enough money to buy one bag of rice a month...so he had access to immense amounts of money but did not make enough to feed his family. Such poor economic conditions as this cannot help but lend themselves to increased corruption. Studies have also shown corruption to hinder economic growth which stagnates the problem further. Even a country's attempts to pull itself out of corruption can also be counterproductive because by unearthing such problems they are drawing more international attention to how corrupt they are.

Get Out and Vote! (with your money)

During the 2008 election I took an economics course offered every four years called Economics and the Election. Throughout the semester we badgered the professor to tell us who he was voting for and finally on the last day, after much anticipation he told us. He tallied up all the issues and where the candidates stood as well as his thoughts on them. The resulting score favored John McCain by about 16 to 4. Then he finally announced that he had not voted for John McCain, or Barrack Obama but in fact had voted for a third party candidate none of us had ever heard of. Shocked and disappointed, our class begged the obvious question, What the hell?
Our professor, the former state economist of Vermont, simply laughed saying, and I quote "Who cares? My vote doesn't matter!"

As surprising (and ironic) as this may be, we actually learned on the first day of class that economically speaking, voting isn't worth the time and effort. When you put everything in perspective, the marginal cost of voting outweighs the marginal benefit. The marginal cost is the extensive time spent researching issues, listening to debates, following current events and stories, in addition to the inconvenience of voting itself. The marginal benefit is the hopelessly minimal effect that your vote has on society and your life.

As pessimistic as that may sound you still posses a ballot of extreme significance, your wallet. We live in a capitalist society with a relatively free market. This means that that market is a reflection of who it serves, aka us. My favorite example of this is Walmart. Most people claim to dislike Walmart and use it as an example of an evil corporation that runs local shops out of business and exploits its employees. The large scale public opinion of Walmart is that it is "bad" and the people who run it are also "bad". If we live in a capitalist society where supply (businesses) reflects demand (the people) then how is it possible that Walmart exists if everyone claims to hate it? The government certainly doesn't subsidize it. You didn't vote for one to be put in your town, yet there it is. The truth is that every dollar spent at Walmart is a vote against your local shop. Every DVD purchased is vote for the employees they exploit. None of this is news but it is something to think about. Every dollar you spend is a vote for or against something that affects your life.I personally am not avidly for or against Walmart although I do try to support local businesses. I don't do it out of some moral crusade against big business, thats simply what I prefer and therefore what I "vote" for.

The types of stores that surround us aren't the only thing our monetary ballots count for. Instead of casting an insignificant vote for a politician who might follow up his promise to improve the environment, you can buy green products. Not only does using such products have a lower impact on the environment but it also encourages businesses big and small to be more green if they perceive that is what the people want. My sociology professor said it best "If people stopped buying candescent light bulbs today the factories would close tomorrow"

Over the course of the next couple days think about what you are buying and what it is that you are really voting on. My grandmother was actually sued by Walmart for trying to fight one being put up behind her house. However, she still purchased her dog food there because it was the cheapest in town.

Also, here's a hilarious South Park Episode about Walmart that is also very insightful if you can read between the lines.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/103890

Aww Globalization, You Shouldn't Have

I'm excited today because a new pair of Nikes I ordered will be here within a few hours. These are particularly cool to me because they were custom designed by my youngest sister Meghan on Nike.com's NikeID, where you can design your own shoes and they will make and ship them to you. On top of that I got the regular, affordable, UPS ground shipping, which has taken FOUR DAYS to ship to me from CHINA. Not only is this fast and cheap but I have been able to follow my shipment from GUANGZHO, China to Anchorage, AK to Louisville, KY to Syracuse, NY and finally to Henrieta, NY from where the truck left with my shoes at exactly 5:49 AM. It amazes me how quickly our world is developing via globalization. Just a few years ago neither custom made shoes nor such expeditious long distance shipping would have been possible with said convenience and reasonable prices.

Today globalization is a touchy subject. For members of technological and business communities, it evokes futuristic sentiments of satellites linking up in space, people from all cultures and backgrounds meeting and learning from each other and every byte of information known to man being blown across the universe for all to share.
For others, globalization beckons thoughts of sweatshops, impoverishment and local cultures fading into western uniformity.

Last semester I took a Sociology class where we watched a documentary about Mexican factory workers called Maquilapolis. It was essentially like those sad Sarah McLaughlin commercials you hate but cannot turn off. A significant portion of the film was actually just close-ups of sad faces and violin music. The rest of it however did an excellent job of exposing the poor working conditions of the factory workers. They are exposed to dangerous chemicals on a daily basis, work around the clock and face living conditions that nobody reading this would tolerate. After the documentary was over the professor turned it off and the class was silent. The white guilt in the room was palpable.
"Any questions or comments?", the professor asked. Not one to be swayed by propaganda (or at least feel like I am being swayed by propaganda), I raised my hand and asked what it was like where all those people had come from. "What do you mean?" the professor said. "Well, they all chose to work and live there by their own free will so unless they are there for the sake being exploited, where they came from must be worse". The entire class, decked out in Nike shoes and Sony laptops looked at me like I was an asshole for not sympathizing with the people in the video.

I am certainly not saying that these working conditions are preferable or that what the companies are doing is right, but for most of the people working in these factories they are coming from even worse backgrounds. Maybe the family can't pile into the mini van and go to Dairy Queen after dinner but at least there is dinner.

MMMM, Negative Conotations

Right now this is my favorite commercial on television.

It's a Free Market, Bro

When it comes the romance of free market economics Milton Friedman might as well be Barry White. Enjoy this complete 180 from my previous post as Milton Friedman dominates Cornell hippies like Lebron in the playoffs. Socialists and hippies be warned, this may temporarily blind you for two to three days.

hippies vs. milton friedman from eric hanson on Vimeo.

Spittin Game at UVM

I just came across this English essay I wrote freshmen year about hitting on girls at UVM that was published in "The Water Tower" at UVM. I admit it has no relevance but I can't rob you guys of this one. It's a great read if you have a second to kill (I know you do, its winter break)

Sup Girl?

Sketchy, Funny and Douchey may sound like the long lost three of the Seven Dwarves, but in reality make up the three schools of what the average UVM male likes to call “game”. Every year, Mid-April rolls around, and with it, comes beautiful weather. The sun is shining, flowers are blooming, and the elements of attraction are in motion. Female students sunbathe innocently on the campus greens as young men half-heartedly take part in games of ultimate frisby and football catches. The campus erupts with such palpable energy that even the most asexual beings cannot help but stir. At night, girls get “dolled up” in their best makeup and spring outfits before subjecting themselves to the calculated motives of their male counterparts. Men iron out their favorite old collared shirt and clean off their favorite pair of Nikes, or Birkenstocks if a resident of U-Heights South. From walking to classes, to partying downtown, the exuberant sexual tension is undeniable. When holding a door or filling a cup, every eye contact trances on for an extra instance. All the players are on the field, equipment in hand (not literally), but the real matter remains how to play. Like dogs finally catching up to that neighborhood car, the young men just aren’t sure what to do with it. Someone should say something, but what?

Unable to bridge the gap of conversation and social fluidity with their own sparkling personas, the young men of UVM retreat to the lowest form of human relation know as “game”. “Game” is the process by which a young male projects an artificial personality that is seen as being universally relatable onto the opposite sex with the intention of attraction. Although the intentions of both parties are clear, a medium is required through which the interaction can take place without making either uncomfortable. Not many guys want to immediately sit somewhere quiet and have an intimate conversation, nor would most girls respond positively to an introduction such as “Sup girl, wanna bang?” “Game” allows for each to become slowly more comfortable with the other. Suddenly, where you live on campus becomes overwhelming interesting, along with other golden nuggets of conversation such as “I see you are drinking this, I am drinking that” and “Wow, you are undecided in the School of Arts and Sciences too?, what a coincidence!” Luckily, there are personalities students can don to rescue them from having to bare their true selves to a stranger and they come in three flavors; Sketchy, Funny and Douchey. These three types of game stimulate some of the most basic aspects of human nature to achieve the common male’s goal of “slaying mad biddies”.

Sketchy, one of the more challenging and risqué of the games, relies on the neglect of social norms, especially those pertaining to character and moral quality, for the satisfaction of more basic human desires and curiosities. The sketchy gamer doesn’t know you or your friends, but sees no reason for that to obstruct the flow of good times to be had. It was the sketchy gamer who coined such cliché phrases as “So, do you come here often?” or “So are you two sisters?” The implementation of the word “so” seems to define this gamer’s persona. Its use can almost be interpreted as saying “So what if we don’t know each other, want to talk to a stranger?” The sketchy gamer is more than willing to cut through social “red tape” and head straight for the finish. He can be found in the hallways of residence halls intercepting girls on their way to the bathroom or back to their own dorms. Casual unthreatening conversation leads to questions like “So do you guys want to come “chill” at room 265?” The very essence of the word sketchy embodies him completely. For anything to be sketchy it must be out of the realm of what is considered regular or standard. Sketchiness provides no sure thing and makes no promises. The possibilities of what could go wrong are quite apparent and other dangers may still lurk in the shadows. Shrouded in mystery, the sketchy gamer is at the same time intriguing. While people tend to fear what they don’t know, they can also be drawn to it. It is here where the sketchy gamer distinguishes himself from his failure of a counterpart, the creep. The successful sketchy gamer knows exactly how to tug on the strings of curiosity in their targets and draw them in. The creep simply asserts his socially unacceptable intentions without managing to draw any intrigue. To call a true sketchy gamer a creep would be on par with calling a professional poker player lucky. He doesn’t just throw his chips out and hope for the best, so much as he reads people, calculates odds, and moves purposefully with specific intent. What type of “prey” might find themselves entranced by a sketchy gamer? The answer is, of course, sketchy girls. Sketchy girls can be found anywhere from dorm hallways, to wandering the streets of downtown Burlington looking for a place to “rage”. They are notorious for their skimpy dress and inside jokes that suggest other sketchy activities such as doing hard drugs or having other sketchy encounters with other sketchy guys. Sketchy girls feel comfortable with their sketchy actions primarily because they tend to surround themselves with other sketchy friends. Next to their sketchy friends, their actions seem far more socially acceptable and eventually, by comparison, become the norm.

As a school, funny is the most “innocent” and straight-forward of the three. The funny gamer is goofy, loveable and endearingly self defeating. He doesn’t come right out and toot his own horn, but breaks the ice with an unconvincing joke at his own expense. He doesn’t approach those he has no business talking to, but instead seeks the friends of his female acquaintances. The funny gamer targets the corner of human nature seeking emotional fulfillment. His loveable, unselfish appeal allows his potential “hook ups” to feel as if they have truly met someone they can appreciate as a person. The funny gamer makes his “in” by sharing a joke or teaching a menial party secret. A friendly joke puts out the vibe that everyone is just there to have fun. Teaching a trivial secret creates a mini bond with their target and allows them something to have in common. These “secrets” are easy to point out because they all begin with “You see the secret is when you…” After this phrase any party game or skill can be inserted such flip cup, Beirut, keg stands, etc. Not to mention that a skill shared about a certain drinking activity leads to repeatedly consuming more alcohol, mans most efficient social lubricant. With his lovable jest, the funny gamer creates a seemingly safe environment where girls can let their guards down. Once the girls have comfortably left themselves open and vulnerable, the funny gamer begins to plant inside jokes and hypothetical commitments like “Hey we should all go rip bowls later” or “What do you mean you’ve never had a Rise and Shiner from KKD’s?, we’ll have to go.” His most common inside jokes will often mock sketchy guys and girls, putting both himself and his target on a higher social plateau, together, giving them another reason for to feel like they’ve met “someone”. The type of girl drawn to the funny gamer is typically more “wholesome”, or at least that is how they would like to be perceived by both themselves and others. The “wholesome” girl’s infatuation with funny, “lovable” guys is oftentimes used to solidify their moral superiority over the “sketchy” girls. It is this sense of condescending insecurity that makes them so susceptible to the funny gamer.

The third, and most arrogant, school of game is douchey. The douchey gamer, known plainly as “The Douche”, can be seen at parties hanging around female friends of his friends. Overwhelmingly self confident, The Douche sees no reason for any lady in the room not to be flustered by his splendor. Unlike sketchy and funny gamers, The Douche has no elaborate game plan or strategy. His game can be seen both at parties and on the Discovery Channel. The Douche can best be understood by the mating approach of a male peacock, stomping amongst the females, displaying his elaborate, colorful feathers. Spewing facts, stereotypes and numbers at his prey, The Douche lets young women know what exactly it is that makes him so awesome. Maybe it’s the horsepower of his car, or wattage of his “system”, but the unsuspecting Douchet cannot help but be enthralled with what kind of car he drives and why. Naturally, The Douche targets more materialistic female students who are relived to be able to stick a price tag on their own lives according to their material possessions, a far easier task than spawning personalities or original thoughts of their own

Although the vast majority of male students at the University of Vermont fit in to one of these three categories, we can’t forget the poor souls tethered to the benches by the weakest game of all, no game. The non-gamer can be seen at parties hanging out with his friends. He sees the females guests but just can’t conjure a way to bridge the gap. He instead immerses himself in a world of disillusionment and excuses such as, “Hey, man I just have high standards.” Or “Hey man, I just want to get really fucked up.” Any owner of a disillusionment thesaurus can easily translate this into “Hey man, I just can’t do it.” Just because these three, or possibly four, types of game are utilized on a weekly basis, however, does not mean the good students of UVM are doomed to an artificial existence of unsatisfying relationships. The very existence of “Game” simply serves the purpose of providing a social platform by which people can break the uncomfortable restraints of their unfamiliarity with those around them.

$290,000 Speeding Ticket

How fast do you have to drive to get a $290,000 speeding ticket in Switzerland? If you are a Swiss millionaire the answer is 85mph in a 50. A Swiss court determined this record speeding ticket according to the millionaire's $22.7 million net worth and numerous repeat offenses. This story begs the question: should the rich face higher monetary penalties for their violations?

I found this story funny because I was recently driving with a friend of mine who is a lot more wealthy than myself. On the side of the road there was an electronic sign flashing the message "THE PENALTY FOR SPEEDING IS $100" As we passed it my friend laughed, accelerated, and said he would gladly pay $100 to speed home. As a broke college student, $100 is certainly enough of a consequence for me to not take the risk but what about those rich enough to cruise by unphased?

Life's daily decisions are based on managing scarcity through marginal costs and benefits. The marginal benefit of speeding is the time saved with each mile per hour increase in speed while the increasing monetary penalty for every mile per hour driven over the speed limit is the marginal cost.
Although it seems downright unamerican to impose more severe penalties on the rich we should also consider the proportion of their marginal costs to marginal benefits. Because the wealthy have an abundance of money, each minute is comparatively more scarce in the balance of time vs. money that is the logic of speeding. Lets say my bank balance is $1,000 while my friends is $10,000. Although our marginal benefits are the same, our marginal costs are different. In terms of percentage of wealth my friend's marginal cost of speeding is ten times lower than my own so it is therefore ten times more worth it to speed. However, if we both drive recklessly and crash our cars do they not do an equal amount of damage?